Bible ~~- Older Testament

Genesis Wrench

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Ch. 1

  • 1 YAH Sings The Universe Into Existence!

    Ch. 2

  • 4 Details Of How YAH Created Adam (Dirt-Man)
  • 8 Description Of The Garden Of Pleasure
  • 15 YAH Puts Adam In The Pleasure Garden
  • 17 YAH Forbids Adam From Knowing Evil
  • 18 YAH Lets Adam Name The Animals
  • 21 YAH Separates Adam, Creating β€˜Wombed-Man’

    Ch. 3

  • 1 The Serpent Tricks The Wombed-Man
  • 6 Eve & Adam 'Know' Evil
  • 9 YHVH Busts Adam & Eve
  • 12 Adam & Eve Play The Blame Game
  • 14 YAH Curses The Serpent, Woman & Man
  • 20 Adam & Eve Procreate The Human Race
  • 22 YAH Kicks Mankind Out Of The Pleasure Garden

    Ch. 4

  • 1 Eve Births Ken & Able
  • 3 Ken Brings A Cheap Gift To YAH's Sacred Feast
  • 8 Ken (Cain) Murders Able
  • 15 YAH Stamps A 5-Sided Star On Ken's Forehead
  • 17 Ken Creates Worldly Civilization
  • 19 Evil Lamech Institutes Polygamy
  • 25 Adam & Eve Birth Seth To Replace 'Able'

    Ch. 5

  • 1 The First Genealogy of Mankind

    Ch. 6

  • 1 Women & Angels Spawn Mutant God-Monsters
  • 5 YAH Decides To Wipe Humanity Off The Earth
  • 13 YAH Tells Noah To Build The Ark-Ship

    Ch. 7

  • 1 Noah & Family Enter The Ark
  • 11 Rain Floods The Land!

    Ch. 8

  • 1 The Flood Begins To Dissipate
  • 15 Noah's Family Leaves The Ark
  • 21 YAH Resolves To Never Annihilate Mankind

    Ch. 9

  • 1 Covenant Of The Rainbow
  • 4 YAH Forbids Blood-Eating
  • 8 YAH Promises Noah He'll Never Annihilate Man
  • 18 Noah's Family Repopulates & Plants Earth
  • 21 Noah Gets Naked & Drunk & Ham Watches
  • 28 Noah dies at 950 Years Old

    Ch. 10

  • 1 Noah's Sons Birth Your Ancestors
  • 8 Mighty Nimrod Rules Babylon
  • 13 Noah's Sons Spread Their Seed Across Earth
  • 24 Ever (The First Hebrew) Is Born

    Ch. 11

  • 1 Some Of Noah's Descendants Gather In Babylon
  • 4 Evil Mankind Builds The Radio Tower of Babel
  • 7 YAH Confuses The Languages Of Mankind
  • 10Genealogy of Shem
  • 27 Terah Fathers Abraham
  • 30 Abraham's Wife Struggles With Infertility

    Ch. 12

  • 1 YAH Orders Abram To Leave His Family Home
  • 10 The King Of Egypt Steals Abraham's Wife

    Ch. 13

  • 1 Abram Leaves Egypt, Rich!
  • 6 Abram & Lot Get So Rich They Have To Separate
  • 10 Lot Chooses The Glittery Lights of Sodom
  • 14 YHVH Promises The Earth To Abram's Family

    Ch. 14

  • 1 War-Kings Inflame The Middle-East
  • 5 Lord Chedorlaomer's Forces Overpower All Foes
  • 12 The Emperor Captures Abram's Nephew (Lot)
  • 14 Abram's 318 Praise-Warriors Evict Millions!
  • 18 Melchizedek Blesses Abram
  • 21 Abram Refuses To Take Government Benefits

    Ch. 15

  • 1 YAH Promises Trillions Of Children To Abram
  • 8 YAH Makes A Dream-Covenant With Abram

    Ch. 16

  • 1 Abram's Wife Gets Him To Bed The Maid
  • 6 The Maid Runs From Sarai's Abuse
  • 9 YAH Promises Hagar Billions Of [Muslim] Kids
  • 15 Hagar Slinks Back To Abram's Camp

    Ch. 17

  • 1 YAH Reaffirms His Covenant With AbraHam
  • 9 YAH Tells Abraham To β€˜Cut Off’ His Sin
  • 15 YAH Promises Elderly Sarah Will Get Pregnant
  • 23Abraham Performs A Symbolic Sin-Cut Ritual

    Ch. 18

  • 1 3 Paranormal 'Men' Visit Abraham
  • 12 Sarah Laughs At The Idea of Pregnancy
  • 17 YAH Warns Abraham He'll Nuke Sodom

    Ch. 19

  • 1 The Angels Enter Sodom To Extract Lot
  • 4 Sodom's Perverts Try To Rape The Angel-Men
  • 10 2 Angels Rescue Lot From Sodom's Perverts
  • 24 YAH Nukes Sodom & Gommorah
  • 30 Lot Runs To The Mountain & Beds His Own Kids
  • 36 The Evil-Incest Spawn Birth Two Savage Races

    Ch. 20

  • 1 β€˜Father-king’ Steals Abraham's [Hot] Wife
  • 3 YAH Busts AbiMelech For Wife-Napping
  • 9 AbiMelech Busts Abraham For White-Lying

    Ch. 21

  • 1 Supernaturally Youthful Sarah Gets Pregnant
  • 3 Supernaturally Young Sarah Births Isaac
  • 8 Isaac Grows Into Conflict With Ishmael
  • 14 Abraham Boots His Lover & His Son Of Adultery
  • 17 YAH Opens A Desert-Well For Ishmael & Mom
  • 20 Ishmael Thrives & Marries
  • 22 Father-king Makes Peace With Abraham's Clan

    Ch. 22

  • 1 A Voice Tells Abraham To Cook His Son!
  • 9 Abe Nearly Knifes & Cooks His Son
  • 15 YAH Blesses Abraham's Irrational Obedience
  • 20 Abraham's Brother Makes A Bunch Of Babies

    Ch. 23

  • 1 Abraham's Wife Sarah Dies At 127 Years Of Age
  • 3 Abraham Buys Sarah's Tomb From Terrorists

    Ch. 24

  • 1 Abraham Sends Out For Isaac's Hebrew Wife
  • 10 Gorgeous Rebekah Lifts Tons Of Water
  • 22 The Steward Sleeps At Rebeka's Dad's Ranch
  • 37 The Steward Asks Rebekah To Marry Isaac
  • 50 Rebekah Agrees To Marry Isaac
  • 61 Rebekah Rides To Marry Her Cousin

    Ch. 25

  • 1 Old Man Abraham Marries A Hot Young Wife
  • 5 Abraham Evicts His Many Children Of Adultery
  • 7 Abraham Dies And Rests Beside Sarah
  • 12 Ishmael Breeds Like A Dog With Many Sluts
  • 19 Isaac & Rebekah Struggle To Make A Baby
  • 21 Rebekah Births Red Hairy Esau & Cheater Jacob
  • 27 Cheater & The Red Man Grow Up Fighting
  • 29 Red Man Trades His Fortune For Cheater's Soup

    Ch. 26

  • 1 Isaac Flees A Famine To Live W/ 'Father-king'
  • 7 Father-King Finds Out Isaac Lied About Rebeka
  • 12 YAH Blesses Isaac With Vast Riches
  • 15 The Pagans Ruin Isaac's Water Supply
  • 17 Isaac Abandons His Home Rather Than Fight
  • 20 More Pagan Hordes Steal Isaac's Water Supply
  • 22 Isaac Moves Yet Again Rather Than Fight
  • 24 YAH Blesses Isaac For His Pacifism
  • 32 YAH Blesses Isaac's Peace-Making With Water
  • 34 The Red Man & His Sluts Spawn More Warriors

    Ch. 27

  • 1 Jacob & Rebeka Trick Isaac, Robbing Esau
  • 31 The Red Man Vows To Murder The Cheater
  • 42 Jacob Flees For His Life From The Red Man

    Ch. 28

  • 1 Jacob Travels To Syria To Find A Wife
  • 6 RedMan Pumps His Lust Into Ishmael's Girls
  • 10 Jacob Sees The Stairway To Heaven

    Ch. 29

  • 1 Jacob Falls In Love With Gorgeous Rachel
  • 12 Rachel's Greedy Dad Tricks Jacob Into Slavery
  • 18 Jacob Agrees To Slave 7 Years To Marry Rachel
  • 23 Whitey Cheats Cheater Into Bedding Fat Sister
  • 28 Jacob Marries Rachel
  • 31 Israel Begins In A Baby-Making Cat-Fight

    Ch. 30

  • 1 Rachel Farms Out Her Hubby To The Maid
  • 9 Tired Leah Sets Up Her Hubby With The Maid
  • 14 Rachel Trades Her Hubby For Aphrodisiacs
  • 17 Fat Leah Keeps Pumping Out Babies
  • 22 Barren Rachel Finally Gets Pregnant
  • 25 Jacob Tries To Run From Whitey Laban
  • 31 Jacob Schemes A Trick To Steal Whitey's Herds
  • 35 Jacob Steals Whitey's Fortune In Cattle

    Ch. 31

  • 1 Whitey (Laban) Schemes To Kill Cheater Jacob
  • 3 Jacob Engineers His Escape From Whitey Laban
  • 8 Jacob Rationalizes His Deceit
  • 13 Leah & Rachel Agree To Leave Their Dad
  • 17 Jacob et al Leave Syria, Escaping Whitey
  • 22 Whitey Laban Chases Jacob The Cheater
  • 25 Whitey Confronts Jacob The Cheater
  • 30Laban Hunts The Priceless Idols Rachel Stole
  • 34 Rachel Lies To Hide Her Theft
  • 36 Jacob Screams At Whitey
  • 43 Whitey & Cheater Make A Peace Treaty

    Ch. 32

  • 1 Jacob The Cheater Sees An Army Of Angels
  • 3 Jacob Sends Messengers To Appease Red-Man
  • 6 Red Man Charges Out With 400 Attack-Warriors
  • 9 Cheater Begs YHVH To Save Him From Red-Man
  • 13 Jacob Sends Expensive Gifts To Red-Man
  • 24 Jacob Wrestles A Supernatural Being All Night

    Ch. 33

  • 1 The Red Man's Attack-Troops Rush Toward Jacob
  • 4 The Red Man Hugs And Forgives Jacob
  • 17Jacob Moves To Settle In Shechem (Neck Ridge)

    Ch. 34

  • 1 Jacob's Girl Sneaks Out To Party With Pagans
  • 2 The Necking Prince Lays Jake's Daughter Dinah
  • 7 Jacob's Sons Vow To Murder The Necking Prince
  • 13 Israel's Patriarchs Chop Their Foe's Wangs
  • 25 Israel's Sons Murder The Bleeding-Wang Dudes

    Ch. 35

  • 1 Jacob's Family Flees, Protected By YAH
  • 10 YAH Renames β€˜Cheater’: β€˜El-Rules’
  • 16 Rachel Dies Birthing Benjamin, Her 2nd Son
  • 19 A Dramatization of Rachel's Burial
  • 22 Reuben Lays His Dad Jacob's Concubine
  • 23 List Of Sons Produced In The Baby-Making War
  • 27 Jacob (Cheater) & Esau The Red Man Bury Isaac

    Ch. 36

  • 1 A List Of Esau The Red-Man's Spawn
  • 6 Esau & Israel Separate Due To Over-Grazing
  • 9 Red-Man & His Sluts Breed More Slut-Mongers
  • 20 RedMan Murders All CaveMan's Southland Sons
  • 31 RedMan's Descendants Ravage & Rule South-Land

    Ch. 37

  • 1 Joseph's Brothers Hate Him 'cause He's Better
  • 3 Israel Gives Joseph The 'Coat Of Many Colors'
  • 5 Joseph Dreams He's The Top Kosher Dog
  • 9 Joseph Dreams The Universe Bows To Him
  • 12 Joseph's Bros Ride To Gamble & Buy Bad Girls
  • 14 Joseph Rides Out To Spy On His Bad Brothers
  • 19 Joseph's Brothers Throw Him In A Well
  • 26 Judah Sells Joseph To Arab Drug Dealers
  • 31 Bad Bro's Bloody Jo's Coat & Send It To Dad
  • 36 Drug Dealers Sell Joseph To Egypt's General

    Ch. 38

  • 1 Judah Runs Off In Fear
  • 2 Judah Beds A Banned Caananite
  • 6 YAH Kills Tall-Palm's Husband
  • 8 Onan (Pounder) Spills His Baby-Seeds
  • 10 YAH Spills Pounder's Blood
  • 11 Judah Defrauds Tall-Palm Of Marital Rights
  • 13 Judah Beds His Daughter-In-Law, A Fake-Whore
  • 24 Judah Tries To Burn Tall-Palm For Whoring
  • 26 Judah Gets Busted For Bedding His Son's Widow
  • 27 Tall-Palm Births Breakout and Scarlet

    Ch. 39

  • 1 Slave-Traders Sell Joseph To Egypt's General
  • 3 General Puts Joseph In Charge of His Estate
  • 7 General's Slut Wife Tries To Seduce Joseph
  • 11 Slut-Wife Frames Joseph On Bogus Rape Charge
  • 19 The General Throws Joseph In The Dungeon
  • 22 The Prison Warden Gives Joseph 100% Control

    Ch. 40

  • 1 Pharaoh Throws His Butler & Baker Into Jail
  • 5 The 'Butler' & Baker Dream Premonitions
  • 7 Joseph Interprets The Butler & Baker's Dreams
  • 9 The Butler's Dream Of Prosperity
  • 16 The Baker Pre-Dreams His Imminent Death
  • 22 Baker Dies. Butler Abandons Joseph To Rot

    Ch. 41

  • 1 Pharaoh Dreams Of Coming Region-Wide Famine
  • 8 The Butler Tells Pharaoh To Call Joseph
  • 14 Joseph Predicts The Coming Famine
  • 33 Joseph Advises Pharaoh To Stockpile Food
  • 37 Pharaoh Makes Joseph De-Facto King Of Egypt
  • 45 Joseph Marries A Sun-Worshipper's Daughter
  • 47 Joseph Stockpiles 7 Years Of Food Supplies
  • 50 Joseph's Egyptian Wife Births Him 2 Sons
  • 53 The Famine Of 1707BC Ravages Egypt
  • 55 Joseph Saves Egypt With His Stockpiled Food

    Ch. 42

  • 1 Jacob Sends 10 Sons To Buy Food From Egypt
  • 6 Joseph Sees His Bro's Who Don't Recognize Him
  • 9 Joseph Frames His Brothers As Enemy Spies!
  • 15 Joseph Orders His Bro's To Fetch Benjamin
  • 24 Joseph Jails Simeon & Tricks His Brothers
  • 26Joseph's Brothers Straggle Back To Jacob
  • 36 Jacob Refuses To Send Benjamin With His Bro's

    Ch. 43

  • 1 Starving Jacob Considers Sending Ben To Egypt
  • 15 Israel's 9 Sons Take Benjamin To Egypt
  • 24 Joseph Feeds His Brothers A Banquet

    Ch. 44

  • 1 Joseph Stashes His Royal Cup In Ben's Sack
  • 3Joseph Sends His Brothers Back Home
  • 6 Joe's Soldiers Bust Ben For Stealing The Cup!
  • 14 Joseph Pretends To Convict Benjamin Of Theft
  • 19Judah Recounts The Recent Events

    Ch. 45

  • 1 Joseph Reveals Himself To His Long-Lost Bro's
  • 9 Joseph Sends for His Father Jacob
  • 16 Joseph's Brothers Ride Back To Fetch Jacob
  • 25 Joseph's Brothers Tell Their Dad Joseph Lives

    Ch. 46

  • 1 Israel Goes To See His Lost Son, Joseph
  • 6 Israel's Clan Journeys Down Into Egypt
  • 29 Joseph Meets His Lost-Lost Dad; Weeps For Joy
  • 31 Joseph Gets Israel The Best Farmland In Egypt

    Ch. 47

  • 1 The Pharaoh Welcomes Jacob (aka Israel)
  • 13 Joe's Government Buys All The Region's Grain
  • 15 Joseph Trades His Grain For Farmers Animals
  • 18 People Trade Their Bodies & Land For Grain
  • 22Only Bad Government Taxes Nonprofit Religion
  • 23 Joseph Taxes The Peoples' Produce
  • 28 Israel (Jacob) Prepares To Die In Egypt

    Ch. 48

  • 1Joseph's Dad Jacob (aka Israel) Falls Ill
  • 3 Jacob Gives Reuben's Birthright To Joe's Sons
  • 14 Israel Gives Joe's Younger Son First Rights

    Ch. 49

  • 1 Israel (Jacob) Curses Reuben, Simeon & Levi
  • 8 Jacob Blesses (Now Repentant) Judah
  • 13 Jacob Blesses Zebulun
  • 14 Jacob Foresees Oppression Smashing Issachar
  • 16 Jacob Sees Good, Then Evil, For Dan's Tribe
  • 19 Jacob Foresees War For The Troop-Tribe
  • 20 Jacob Blesses The Happy Tribe Of Asher
  • 21 Jacob Blesses The Wrestler-Tribe
  • 22 Jacob Lavishes Blessings On Joseph
  • 27 Jacob Curses The Violent Tribe Of Benjamin
  • 29 Jacob Finishes His Blessing and Dies In Bed

    Ch. 50

  • 1 Joseph Mummifies His Dead Father Jacob/Israel
  • 5 Joseph Visits The Promised Land To Bury Jacob
  • 15 Joe's Bro's Repent Of Abusing & Selling him
  • 19 Joseph Forgives His Brothers
  • 22 Decades Pass; Joseph Gives His Final Blessing
  • 25 Joseph Dies, Awaiting The Exodus From Egypt