Bible ~~- Older Testament ~~- 2nd Samuel ~~- chapter 14 of 24 (33 verses.)

2nd Samuel 14Wrench

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Joab Pays A Widow To Fake Out King David
1 [Time passes, ๐Ÿ˜‡. General] Joab {JAH-Dad} (the son of [David's sister] Zeruyah {Balm}) sees that king [David's] heart longs for [his exiled son] AbShalom {Father-of-Peace}.
2 So [General] Joab {JAH-Dad} sends [his soldiers ~7 miles south] to Tekoah {Trumpet-Town}. There the [soldiers] fetch a skilled [actress]. They ask her, โ€œPlease, pretend you're a mourner. Quick. Put on funeral clothes. Neglect to rub your [dry skin] with oil. [Make yourself] look like a woman who's spend a long time bewailing her dead [son].
Tekoah is an area full of caves. It's where the prophet Amos hid from the corrupt Israeli government.
3 โ€”Then [ride] to king [David]. Repeat [Joab's script] to himโ€ฆโ€ [The slick lady agrees to be part of the General's ruse. So the soldiers bring her to General Joab.] Joab puts [his] words in her mouth.
4 The [actress] from Tekoah {Trumpet-Town} [staggers into David's throne-room]. Whimpering, she falls on her face to the ground to [feign] obeisance to the king. She [cries,] โ€œHelp, O king!โ€
5 King [David] asks [the actress], โ€œWhat your trouble?โ€ She [cries], โ€œI'm a widow. My husband is dead.
6 โ€”[I,] your handmaid, had two sons. But they fought each other in [our] field. No one [came] to break [up the fight]. So one [son] struck the other. He killed him!
7 โ€”Now, see, [my] whole family is rising up against [me,] your handmaid. [They scream], โ€˜Hand over [the killer] who whacked his brother. We must execute him [in revenge] for the life of his brother who he murdered. And we'll also destroy [the murderer's] heir!โ€™ Thus they'll snuff-out my last [glowing] coal. They'll leave to my husband neither name nor survivor on the earth.โ€
8 So king [David] answers the [actress] from Tekoah {Trumpet-Town}, โ€œGo home. I'll issue a [protective] order [for your son the murderer].โ€
David has no authority to protect a murderer from vengeance. The Hebrew law specifically allows revenge killings.
9 The [actress] answers the king, โ€œ[Thank you,] my lord [and] king! I and my father's family will take [all] responsibility [if people criticize you for illegally sheltering my guilty son. You] and [your] royal throne [will] remain guiltless.โ€
10 So king [David] responds, โ€œIf anyone gives you any [flak about this,] bring him to me. He won't bother you any more.โ€
11 Then [the actress] says, โ€œPlease, [O] king, [swear] by YHVH your Elohim, that you won't allow the avengers of blood to add to the destruction by executing my [surviving] son.โ€ [David] responds, โ€œAs YHVH lives, not one of your son's hair[s] will fall to the earth.โ€
David swears a foolish oath to protect someone who should die.
12 Then the [actress] adds, โ€œPlease, allow [me,] your handmaid, to speak one [more] word to [you,] my lord [and] king.โ€ [David] replies, โ€œGo on.โ€
13 Then the [actress rips off her bonnet! She screams], โ€œWhy have you devised [evil] against Elohim's people? [You,] the king incriminated yourself by what you just decreed! [You,] the king, [refuse] to welcome back home [your own] banished [prince]!
14 [Soon] we'll [all] die, like water spilled on the ground, which no [man] can gather up again. Elohim awards an [exception] to no man. So [you,] king, need to come up with a way to restore your banished [son] to your [heart while you both live]!
15 The reason I've come to ask [you,] my lord, [my] king, to [reunite with your son,] is that [certain unnamed] people intimidated [me into performing this ruse]. So [I,] your handmaid, thought, โ€˜I'll go and speak to the king; maybe he'll [restore AbShalom] if I ask [real nice,] as his [humble] handmaid.โ€™
16 [I knew that you,] the king, would hear [my plea]. [You'd] rescue [me, your] handmaid out of the fist of [any] man who would wipe me and my โ€˜sonโ€™ together out of Elohim's inheritance.
This is normally translated as if the woman's son was really at risk of revenge-murder. That makes no sense. That was an act the lady had rehearsed, a fictional script written by Joab.
17 Then [I,] your handmaid said, โ€˜The word of my lord, king [David] will [issue] an accommodating [decree]. For like an angel of Elohim, my lord the king knows right from wrong.โ€™ That's why [I pray that] YHVH your Elohim always stays with you.โ€
18 King [David] answers the [actress], โ€œPlease don't [risk death] by hiding the answer from my next question.โ€ So she replies, โ€œPlease, my lord, [my] king, speak.โ€
19 King [David] replies, โ€œThe hand of Joab {JAH-Dad} is [mixed up] with you in all of this, [right]?โ€ So the [actress] answers, โ€œAs your soul lives, my lord [and] king, no one can turn to the right hand nor to the left from anything that my lord the king has spoken. Yes, your servant [General] Joab {JAH-Dad}, made me [put on this act]. He put all these words in the mouth of [me,] your handmaid.
20 Your servant Joab [staged this act] to move [you] to [restore your son]. [You,] my lord, are wise. [You bear] the wisdom of an angel of Elohim. [You] know everything that [happens] in the [whole] land.โ€
The Widow Moves David To Repatriate Absalom
21 [Shamed,] king [David cries] to [General] Joab {JAH-Dad}, โ€œLook now, I've [abandoned my son] just like [this widow said]. So go [north to Syria]. Bring the young man AbShalom back [to Jerusalem].
22 So [General] Joab falls to the ground. His face [touches the marble floor]. He bows [again and again], thanking king [David]. Joab says, โ€œToday [I,] your servant, know that I've found grace in your sight, my lord [and] king. [Thank you,] king, for fulfilling the [pleas] of [me,] your servant.โ€
23 So [General] Joab {JAH-Dad} mounts [his stallion]. [He gallops far north across the Jordan river] to [Syrian] Geshur {Bridge}. He escorts AbShalom {Father-of-Peace} [back] to Jerusalem.
24 But [when Absalom gets to the castle,] king [David yells out his palace window], โ€œLet [AbShalom] return to his own mansion. Don't let him see my face.โ€ So AbShalom returns to his own house, [sad that] he doesn't [get to] see the face of [his Dad,] king [David].
Absalom & David Live Estranged, Separated
25 [As time passes, the] whole [country of] Israel praises AbShalom {Father-of-Peace} more highly than anyone. [The masses adore AbShalom] more than any leader, [living or dead, not because of AbShalom's wisdom or spiritual virtues, but] because of his handsome-looks. [He parades through the cities. He dashes in and out of gorgeous girls' beds. The ladies look and see that] from the sole of his feet to the crown of his head there's not one blemish on [AbShalom]!
Every girl wants to bed him; every man wants to be him.
26 At the end of every year, [as spring approaches, AbShalom] cuts his hair [to keep] its weight [from giving him headaches]. Then he weighs the cut hair. It weighs 200 royal shekels [~5 pounds]!
27 AbShalom's [women go on to] bear him 3 sons, plus 1 gorgeous daughter, named [after his raped-sister,] Tamar {Tall-Palm}.
Prince Absalom And King David Finally Reunite
28 So AbShalom {Father-of-Peace} lives two full years in Jerusalem. But he never sees the face of [his Dad,] king [David].
29 So AbShalom sends for [General] Joab to arrange his reunion with king [David]. But [Joab refuses] to come to [AbShalom]. [So] a 2nd time AbShalom sends [soldiers to fetch Joab]. [But] again, for the 2nd time, [Joab refuses] to come [visit AbShalom].
30 So [AbShalom] orders his servants, โ€œLook. Joab's field lies near mine. He has barley there. Go set it on fire.โ€ So AbShalom's servants set [General Joab's] field on fire.
31 So Joab {JAH-Dad} mounts [his war-horse]. He [gallops] to AbShalom's mansion. [He crashes in Abshalom's door. He runs up to the bedroom where Absalom lies in a tangle of gorgeous female bodies. Joab screams] at [Absalom], โ€œWhy did your servants set my field on fire?!โ€
32 [Prince] AbShalom [yells] back to [General] Joab, โ€œLook! I [keep] sending [messengers] to you. I ask [nicely], โ€˜Come here, so I can send you to the king. [I want you to quote me as] saying, โ€˜Why did I come [here] from Geshur {Bridge}? It would have been better for me if I'd stayed there this whole time! So now let me see [your] royal face, [Dad]! And if there's any guilt in me, then kill me.โ€™โ€
Absalom was technically innocent, since the brother he killed was a rapist-pervert.
33 So [General] Joab {JAH-Dad} [rides] to king [David. Joab runs up to the throne-room. There] he says, โ€œ[Your son wants to see you].โ€ So [David] summons AbShalom. So [Absalom] comes to king [David]. [Absalom] bows himself on his face to the ground before the king. Finally, [after years of bitter estrangement], king [David] kisses AbShalom.
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