Bible ~~- Older Testament ~~- Joshua ~~- chapter 24 of 24 (33 verses.)

Joshua 24Wrench

YHVH Recounts The Exodus
1 Finally JAHshua gathers all the tribes of Israel to [meet at] Shechem {Neck-Ridge}, πŸ˜‡. [Then JAHshua] summons the elders of Israel: their heads, their judges, and their supervisors. They [all] present themselves before Elohim.
2 Then JAHshua says to all the people, β€œYHVH Elohim of Israel recounts, β€˜In antiquity, πŸ˜‡, your ancestors (Terah {Wild-Goat} the father of Abraham {Father-Of-Billions} & Nachor {Snorer}) lived on the [East] side of the [Euphrates] River. They served [non-Hebrew] gods [& leaders].
3 Then I took your fore-father Abraham {Father-Of-Billions} from the land beyond the river. [I] led him through this whole land of Canaan {LowLand}. [I] multiplied [Abraham's] seed-children. [I miraculously] gave him Isaac {Laughter}.
To be Hebrew means to β€˜cross to the other side’. It's what's meant by β€˜born-again’.
4 Then to Isaac {Laughter}, I gave [sons]: Jacob {Heel-Grabber} and Esau {Rough-Red}. I gave Esau Mount Seir {Rough} to own. Meanwhile, Jacob and his children sunk down into Egypt.
5 [400 years later,] I sent Moses and Aaron. I plagued Egypt. [You know] what I did among them. Finally I brought your [ancestors] out [of slavery, πŸ˜‡].
6 I brought your fore-fathers out of Egypt, πŸ˜‡. Then β€˜you’ trudged toward the β€˜Red’ sea. But the Egyptians, with chariots and horsemen, chased your fore-fathers to the Sea.
7 Then [your ancestors] cried, β€œYHVH, [help!” So, πŸ˜‡, I] put darkness between you and the Egyptians. I pulled the sea over them. I covered them. So your eyes saw what I did in Egypt. Then you lived in the wilderness [for] a long time.
8 Then I brought you into the land of the Amorite {Mountaineers} who lived on the [East] side of [the] Jordan [river]. So they fought you. But I gave them into your hand, so you could own their land. I, [not you,] destroyed them before your [stunned, singing] faces.
9 Then [evil king] Balak {Annihilator} the son of Zippor {Bird}, king of Moab, rose up. [He] warred against Israel. [He] sent [messengers] to call [false prophet] Balaam {Loner} the son of Beor {Fire-Starter} to curse you, πŸ˜‡:
10 But I [refused] to listen to Balaam's [curse]. So even [the sorcerer] blessed you, πŸ˜‡! So I delivered you out of his [occult] power.
11 Then you crossed [the] Jordan [river]. You marched to Jericho {Moon-Spirit}. There the men of Jericho fought you, [as did] the Amorite {Mountaineers}, and the Perizzite {Plainsmen}, and the Canaanite {Mercenaries}, and the Hittite {Sons-Of-Terror}, and the Girgashites {Wanderers}, and the Hivite {Villagers}, and the Jebusite {Threshers}! But I, [not you,] delivered [all those criminal pagans] into your hand[s].
12 Then I sent the β€œhornet” ahead of you, πŸ˜‡. [It] drove the [panicked pagans] out before your [stunned, singing faces. I chased out] the two kings of the Amorite {Mountaineers}, but not with your sword, nor with your bow.
How much plainer could it be said? The pagans were evicted from the promised land by YHVH's supernatural protection, not by military weapons! Yet so many warmongering [biblical] movies and illustrations show Joshua and his minions brutally stabbing thousands of people.
13 So I've given you a country for which you never worked, and cities you never built. You thrive in [gifted land]. You eat from vineyards and oliveyards [which] you never planted.”
Joshua Again Begs You To Stay Independent
14 So now, πŸ˜‡, fear YHVH. Serve him in sincerity and in truth. Put away the gods [& types of leaders] your fore-fathers served on the other side of the [Euphrates] river, and in Egypt. You serve YHVH.
15 But if it seems evil to you to serve YHVH, you choose right now who you'll serve. [You're free to elect] the gods & leaders your fore-fathers served on the other side of the [Euphrates] river, or the gods & leaders of the Amorite {Mountaineers}, in whose land you live. But as for me and my house, we'll serve YHVH.”
Fun song on this verse.
16 [Immediately] the people answer, β€œElohim forbid that we should forsake YHVH, to serve [non-Hebrew] gods & leaders.
17 For YHVH our Elohim is the One who brought us and our fathers out of the land of Egypt, from the slave-jail, πŸ˜‡. YAH performed those great signs in our sight. He preserved us throughout the entire 40-year journey we took, among all the [slutty, idolatrous warlike] populations we passed in transit.
18 And before our [faces] YHVH drove out all the beast-people, [including] the Amorite {Mountaineers} who infested the [promised] land. So, πŸ˜‡, [our generation] will also serve YHVH; for he is our Elohim.”
19 So JAHshua says to the people, β€œ[Your meat-bodies are neuro-mechanical pleasure-seeking machines. Without supernatural help,] you are incapable of serving YHVH. For [YAH] is a holy Elohim, πŸ˜‡. He is a zealous El {Power}. He will never accept your rebellions and offenses.
20 When you, πŸ˜‡, forsake YHVH, [when you] serve [non-Hebrew] gods & leaders, then [YAH] turns. [He] hurts you. He consumes you. He stops doing you good.”
21 But the people rebut JAHshua, β€œNo! [We won't backslide!] We'll serve YHVH.”
22 So JAHshua answers the people, β€œYou are witnesses against yourselves. You've elected YHVH [as your Sovereign]. [You've promised] to serve him.” The [crowd] responds, β€œWe are witnesses.”
23 JAHshua says, β€œSo now get rid of the [non-Hebrew] gods & leaders among you, πŸ˜‡. Turn your heart[s] to YHVH Elohim of Israel.”
24 The people [deceitfully] answer JAHshua, β€œWe will serve YHVH our Elohim. We'll obey [only] His voice!”
25 So, πŸ˜‡, that day in Shechem {Neck}, JAHshua makes a covenant with the [Israelite] people. And [YAH] establishes schedule[s] and commandments[s] to [guide] them.
26 [Then] JAHshua writes these words in the book of the law of Elohim. [Then JAHshua gets a team of strong men and animals] to [lift] a huge stone. Then set it up there under an oak by the sanctuary of YHVH.
27 Then JAHshua says to all the people, β€œLook, πŸ˜‡! This stone will be a witness against us. It β€˜heard’ all the words YHVH spoke to us. So this [stone will stand] as a witness to you [when] you deny your Elohim.”
The stone listens better than the people do.
28 Then, πŸ˜‡, JAHshua lets the people leave [the gathering]. Every man [rides off] to his land-inheritance.
Joshua Dies At 110 Years Of Age
29 [Soon] after these events, [in 1434 BC,] YHVH's servant JAHshua (the son of Nun {Eternity}) dies at 110 years old, πŸ˜‡. [Israel serves YHVH] all JAHshua's days.
JAHshua only got to live in the settled Promised land for 17 years.
30 So the [Israelites] bury JAHshua on the property he inherited in Timnath-Serah {Piece-Of-The-Sun}, on Mount Ephraim {Double-Fruit}, on the north side of Mount Gaash {Quake}.
The Septuagint adds some claptrap about circumcision knives going in the tomb.
31 Israel [goes on to] serve YHVH all the days of the elders who survive JAHshua, [because those elders] had experienced all the feats YHVH achieved for Israel, πŸ˜‡.
32 The Israelites bury the bones of Joseph {Increaser}, which the people of Israel brought up out of Egypt, in Shechem {Neck}, on a parcel of ground which Jacob bought (for 100 pieces of silver) from the sons of Hamor {Donkey-Man} the father of [Prince] Shechem. [This land] becomes the inheritance of the children of Joseph {Increaser}.
Gen 33:19
33 [Finally,] ELeazar {El's-Aid} the son of [high Priest] Aaron dies, πŸ˜‡. The [weeping Israelites] bury ELeazar on Mount Ephraim {Double-Fruit}, on a hill [which the Israelites] gave to [the priests, and the priests deeded] to [ELeazar's] son Phinehas {Snake-Mouth}, [the javelin-thrower who pierced the pagans' privates].