Screenplay ~~- The Baby-Making War

Leah Buys Jacob's Stud-Rights For Mandrakes


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OUTSIDE AT THE SYRIAN HIGHLAND PLATEAU IN THE DAYTIME:

Time passes.

One day, Reuben ventures into the fields during wheat harvest-time...
He finds phallic-looking, man-shaped, mandrake plants in the field.

He brings them home to his mother Leah.

REUBEN
Mom, these roots can fix Dad's 'problem'...

Rachel pops in:

RACHEL
(to Leah)
Please give me some of your son's mandrake roots.

LEAH
(barks at Rachel)
Isn’t it enough that you've seized my husband?! Do you have to take my son’s boom-boom-drugs too?"

RACHEL
O.K. I'll let Jacob breed you tonight ... IF you give me your son's love-plants.

Leah breaks off a bit of mandrake, throws the rest in Rachel's face.


Time passes...

That evening, Leah watches Jacob straggle out of the field.

Leah runs out to meet him:

LEAH
(yells)
You gotta breed me!

Jacob runs back into the field...

LEAH
(chases Jacob)
I paid your stud-fee with my son's aphrodisiac mandrakes!

Leah lunges for Jacob, whoosh..... she tackles him by the feet!

HOURS LATER:


INSIDE THE LEAH'S TENT AT NIGHT:

Leah brews up a pot of impotence-relieving Mandrake tea...

She spoon-feeds it to the bruised-headed Jacob...

And whoosh! Jacob's boffin' like Superman on Leah.

In Jacob's acid-trip imagination, Leah's tent explodes in golden light.


INSIDE THE LEAH'S TENT IN THE DAYTIME: (9 MONTHS LATER)

Leah bears Jacob her 5th [natural] son.

SCORECARD: Leah 7, Rachel 2.

LEAH
(shouts]
Elohim gave me the compensation of having a baby, to keep me from giving my slave-girl to my husband any more.

LEAH
I name you β€œIssachar”, (my reward).

LEAH
(whisper to baby)
Yahweh saw how it hurt me so bad to see my husband fall in love with that [trashy] slave-girl.

Leah glares at Zilpah. Zilpah runs for the door.

LEAH
(to baby)
So Yahweh gave me the consolation of being able to have children again, so I wouldn't be tempted to make my husband commit adultery again just to compete with my sister in a baby-breeding contest.


OUTSIDE AT THE WATERFALL IN THE DAYTIME:

Leah swims underwater, grabs Jacob's shorts, pulls them off!

From above: gold glow fills the water.

9 MONTHS LATER:


OUTSIDE AT THE MARKET IN THE DAYTIME:

Leah, fully clothed, drops out a baby into her hand!

SCORECARD: Leah 8, Rachel 2.

LEAH
(shouts)
Elohim has granted me a priceless gift!

LEAH
(hysterical)
At last, my cheating husband will leave my sister and live with me, because I've birthed him 6 sons!

RACHEL (Unseen voice)
I hate you!

LEAH
(to baby)
I name you β€œZebulun” (Living Together In Honor).